Hualien - Week 28 - You are Enough, and with Christ, You are More
For the past little while, I have been really pondering the weight of my calling as one of the Lord's full-time missionaries. I think that's a good thing to do, because it can help me get pumped for the work and motivated to work hard. But for some reason, as I was contemplating what the Lord expects of me as a missionary, I started setting extremely high expectations for myself of how I needed to act, who I needed to be. Perhaps, unreachable expectations of perfection.
I began to become silently irritated when something wouldn't go according to plan, according to schedule. When we were a couple minutes late for this, that, or the other reason, or when we accidentally didn't follow a rule in the white handbook, I would inwardly cringe and feel really bad about myself. Over time, twinges of guilt accumulated into deeper, lingering feelings of hopelessness that I couldn't seem to let go of, even when I felt I had repented. The thoughts of I am wasting the Lord's time, He must be disappointed in me, I could have been better, I should be better, were always creeping into my mind and distracting me from all my work.
I didn't think I was a perfectionist before. I thought I had accepted that through Christ's Atonement, we can be forgiven of our mistakes and move on. After all, I preach those truths to people every single day. But after I read a talk called "If Ye Had Known Me" by Elder David A. Bednar, I realized that I was missing something very important. Elder Bednar poses the question, "is it possible to exercise faith in Him, follow Him, serve Him, but not believe Him?" And the answer is yes. You can be doing all the things you ought to be doing--a.k.a doing your best, repenting when you make mistakes--and still not believe that the blessings of Jesus Christ's Atonement are available to you in particular.
So in my head, I felt I was never doing enough and I wasn't a good enough missionary, even though I was asking Heavenly Father for forgiveness daily and trying to do better. Remember how I used to tell people "You are enough, you are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are"? How I used to repeat it daily and it helped me to love myself more? I had completely dropped it and forgotten it somewhere along the road of my mission.
I thought miracles were to be seen only if I was perfectly obedient, if I never ever erred, if I never turned the lights off a minute too late. It was almost as if I thought I could earn miracles by following the rules to a T. It progressively became worse to the point where I was feeling like I wasn't doing my best during planned activities that were exactly in line with my missionary purpose. I had forgotten eternal truths about the infinite love of Jesus Christ, His grace, and His Atonement. Well, it's not really that I had forgotten these truths... I knew them in my mind. Read any of the words of the prophets and apostles, living or dead, this gospel is all about having joy right now and forever, not about giving yourself ulcers. So why, then, was I so struggling to accept that truth?
I didn't believe Christ.
So after an inspired district meeting this last Tuesday that came at exactly the right time, I was guided to another General Conference talk by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf called "The Gift of Grace." He says, and these words whacked me so hard as I read them:
"Salvation cannot be bought with the currency of obedience; it is purchased by the blood of the Son of God. Thinking that we can trade our good works for salvation is like buying a plane ticket and then supposing we own the airline. Or thinking that after paying rent for our home, we now hold title to the entire planet earth."
Actually, I laughed out loud as I read that paragraph. Elder Uchtdorf could have been writing those words directly to me. All this time I was disregarding the fact that if it wasn't for Jesus Christ, there would be positively no possibility of ever becoming better. Without Christ, we would never become like Heavenly Father or live with Him again. There would be no point, no purpose, no hope. My personal efforts would mean absolutely nothing, and we'd all be forever lost and fallen and without direction. Jesus Christ is the way, the only way (John 14:6). I needed to remind myself to quit relying so heavily on myself, because if I do that, OF COURSE I am not going to become the missionary I'd like to become! And I am going to be depressed and anxious--the opposite of joyful, the opposite of what God wants me to be. So then...what is the point of obeying Heavenly Father? We obey because we love God. Simple as that. Elder Uchtdorf later writes :
"Our obedience to God’s commandments comes as a natural outgrowth of our endless love and
gratitude for the goodness of God. This form of genuine love and gratitude will miraculously
merge our works with God’s grace."
Lastly, I have been pondering a lot about what it means to be enough if our whole point is to become more like Christ. And I came to this conclusion: I am enough and I inherently have worth because I am a daughter of God. Nothing will change that. Heavenly Father's love is infinite and eternal and I can never throw myself out of the bounds of his love. No one can, because no matter what, God loves you. You are enough, you are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are.
Heavenly Father's hopes for you, though, are much higher. The Savior's Atonement allows us to be forgiven of our sins and mistakes, yes. Our sins are washed away when we repent. But the Atonement doesn't wash us clean and return us to our initial state of innocence...through Jesus Christ we can eventually become like Heavenly Father. And through Jesus Christ, we can become our best selves in this life. It is because of the grace of God that we can always receive divine help to obediently fulfill our responsibilities (such as do missionary work). This help, this enabling power, is available at any time to support us, strengthen us, and help us grow.
You are enough as a child of God, but with Christ, you are more.
Right now, I am still trying to apply all of these things I learned and realized this week. Everything isn't automatically better right away. But I understand that it's through Christ, through the enabling power of His Atonement, I can overcome my weaknesses. I can choose to be joyful so that I can spread the joy of this gospel to the people of Taiwan.
For further reading on this subject, please see these sources of my inspiration:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/10/if-ye-had-known-me?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/the-gift-of-grace?lang=eng
2 Nephi 4: 19-25
1 Corinthians 2:9
https://www.lds.org/blog/youre-not-messing-up-gods-plan-for-you?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/blog/the-perfect-lie?lang=eng
Ether 12: 27
Romans 6:4
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I began to become silently irritated when something wouldn't go according to plan, according to schedule. When we were a couple minutes late for this, that, or the other reason, or when we accidentally didn't follow a rule in the white handbook, I would inwardly cringe and feel really bad about myself. Over time, twinges of guilt accumulated into deeper, lingering feelings of hopelessness that I couldn't seem to let go of, even when I felt I had repented. The thoughts of I am wasting the Lord's time, He must be disappointed in me, I could have been better, I should be better, were always creeping into my mind and distracting me from all my work.
I didn't think I was a perfectionist before. I thought I had accepted that through Christ's Atonement, we can be forgiven of our mistakes and move on. After all, I preach those truths to people every single day. But after I read a talk called "If Ye Had Known Me" by Elder David A. Bednar, I realized that I was missing something very important. Elder Bednar poses the question, "is it possible to exercise faith in Him, follow Him, serve Him, but not believe Him?" And the answer is yes. You can be doing all the things you ought to be doing--a.k.a doing your best, repenting when you make mistakes--and still not believe that the blessings of Jesus Christ's Atonement are available to you in particular.
So in my head, I felt I was never doing enough and I wasn't a good enough missionary, even though I was asking Heavenly Father for forgiveness daily and trying to do better. Remember how I used to tell people "You are enough, you are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are"? How I used to repeat it daily and it helped me to love myself more? I had completely dropped it and forgotten it somewhere along the road of my mission.
I thought miracles were to be seen only if I was perfectly obedient, if I never ever erred, if I never turned the lights off a minute too late. It was almost as if I thought I could earn miracles by following the rules to a T. It progressively became worse to the point where I was feeling like I wasn't doing my best during planned activities that were exactly in line with my missionary purpose. I had forgotten eternal truths about the infinite love of Jesus Christ, His grace, and His Atonement. Well, it's not really that I had forgotten these truths... I knew them in my mind. Read any of the words of the prophets and apostles, living or dead, this gospel is all about having joy right now and forever, not about giving yourself ulcers. So why, then, was I so struggling to accept that truth?
I didn't believe Christ.
So after an inspired district meeting this last Tuesday that came at exactly the right time, I was guided to another General Conference talk by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf called "The Gift of Grace." He says, and these words whacked me so hard as I read them:
"Salvation cannot be bought with the currency of obedience; it is purchased by the blood of the Son of God. Thinking that we can trade our good works for salvation is like buying a plane ticket and then supposing we own the airline. Or thinking that after paying rent for our home, we now hold title to the entire planet earth."
Actually, I laughed out loud as I read that paragraph. Elder Uchtdorf could have been writing those words directly to me. All this time I was disregarding the fact that if it wasn't for Jesus Christ, there would be positively no possibility of ever becoming better. Without Christ, we would never become like Heavenly Father or live with Him again. There would be no point, no purpose, no hope. My personal efforts would mean absolutely nothing, and we'd all be forever lost and fallen and without direction. Jesus Christ is the way, the only way (John 14:6). I needed to remind myself to quit relying so heavily on myself, because if I do that, OF COURSE I am not going to become the missionary I'd like to become! And I am going to be depressed and anxious--the opposite of joyful, the opposite of what God wants me to be. So then...what is the point of obeying Heavenly Father? We obey because we love God. Simple as that. Elder Uchtdorf later writes :
"Our obedience to God’s commandments comes as a natural outgrowth of our endless love and
gratitude for the goodness of God. This form of genuine love and gratitude will miraculously
merge our works with God’s grace."
Lastly, I have been pondering a lot about what it means to be enough if our whole point is to become more like Christ. And I came to this conclusion: I am enough and I inherently have worth because I am a daughter of God. Nothing will change that. Heavenly Father's love is infinite and eternal and I can never throw myself out of the bounds of his love. No one can, because no matter what, God loves you. You are enough, you are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are.
Heavenly Father's hopes for you, though, are much higher. The Savior's Atonement allows us to be forgiven of our sins and mistakes, yes. Our sins are washed away when we repent. But the Atonement doesn't wash us clean and return us to our initial state of innocence...through Jesus Christ we can eventually become like Heavenly Father. And through Jesus Christ, we can become our best selves in this life. It is because of the grace of God that we can always receive divine help to obediently fulfill our responsibilities (such as do missionary work). This help, this enabling power, is available at any time to support us, strengthen us, and help us grow.
You are enough as a child of God, but with Christ, you are more.
Right now, I am still trying to apply all of these things I learned and realized this week. Everything isn't automatically better right away. But I understand that it's through Christ, through the enabling power of His Atonement, I can overcome my weaknesses. I can choose to be joyful so that I can spread the joy of this gospel to the people of Taiwan.
For further reading on this subject, please see these sources of my inspiration:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/10/if-ye-had-known-me?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/the-gift-of-grace?lang=eng
2 Nephi 4: 19-25
1 Corinthians 2:9
https://www.lds.org/blog/youre-not-messing-up-gods-plan-for-you?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/blog/the-perfect-lie?lang=eng
Ether 12: 27
Romans 6:4
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